do i care if the whole world knows about this? no.
Just 3 weeks ago. i asked you if you thought my uni confirmation was pending because I want to follow my friends. You shouted no. I shouted back and asked again. you shouted no. I did it again, you shouted no.
3 days ago. you hurried me for my uni confirmation and fucking called me a 跟屁虫.
5mins ago. You told me im a joke when after 3years my uni choice have not been confirmed. and that what im waiting for is to follow my friends' pending decisions. you asked me to ask myself whether that was the reason. what can i fucking say? I can only fucking deny it. Well but the only thing that you listen to, is my cousin, who told u i might be going into ntu to follow my friends. when i told you that, you tell me not to malign him. When he came for cny visit, after he asked me whether im going to ntu because of my friends in front of you, and after i said no and pretended to continue watching tv, you whispered to him, and he replied with "是这样的啦" What do you want me to think. N he came up with all the praises for goddamn SMU but what do you really know about SMU and NTU? N actually how much does he really know? When he took engineering in NUS?
It's almost like a salesperson selling a spaceship to a caveman. n from that day on, everytime the topic surfaces, this place im calling home by obligation turns into a warzone. so you really ecstatic and happy now cousin? one simple comment from you and there's no longer any freedom in my uni choice. As i see it now, i either go to NTU and face your upset face for the 4yrs, or go to SMU, and make you regret, whatever the cost to me, that you ever so trusted that guy.
Also 5 mins ago, after some thought i suggested that sat we can have the relatives over and sun i can go out with my friends. n you say when others have their birthday parties it's always so effortless and im asking for so much? may i ask. WHAT THE FUCK am i asking for. I wasnt even the one who suggested having the party, maybe because i had a feeling somehow it wouldnt turn out good. and then you link this to me not having a mind of my own, and how i want to follow my friends in my uni choice. and just a reminder, 3 weeks ago, you shouted NO a dozen times with such self-deluding affirmation that if i knew you less i would have believed you.
and then you said what i do from now on is not gonna have a fuck to do with you. why do i care.
despite my lack of 主见, i think i've done relatively well in my performance so far and you never had the slightest thought to trust even the slightest bit that maybe, just maybe, i may have grown up, i may be able to make much better decisions than you, i may appreciate a little trust, a little indulgence, a little understanding from you - however little considering that there is none now.
hey people. you guys can say or think whatever you want. it's their way of expressing their concerns; i never tried to be in their shoes; you never reflected on your own behavior etc. just try being in mine. try feeling what im feeling now for just a minute. when everything you've put so much consideration and thought into, gets treated as trash.
and well what am i studying accountancy and business for? because from maybe when i was 17? i knew it would be a course would get your approval. that you know is money-making. When i wanted to go overseas for my studies, you gave such a skeptical response I gave up immediately knowing it would be a long battle that i barely have a chance of winning. and so when i walked into the interview for PSC i started saying a bunch of shit. when i thought maybe i wanna do law last year, once again you were so skeptical i gave in. When others ask i just say i was too lazy to apply for law. when people ask why im studying what im studying i say i do not know.
when i was younger i thought of being a vet, a marine biologist, a psychologist etc but do you know that i never dared mention a single of those to you. maybe because you would come to the conclusion that im just a good for nothing.
but i do never regretted taking the course a single bit because i know i'll be able to support the family.
and you fucking throw everything down into the drain.
maybe i am a 跟屁虫. because i follow whatever you want me to do.
i dont need many things from you. the only thing i want and really need, is just that little bit of understanding that i never felt. you say its a joke when you tell pple i haven decided on my uni after 2years. your goddamn face is so important to you, haven i given you enough. maybe nothing is enough for you. and what have i ever asked of you. to buy me an iphone? to throw me an extravagant 21st party? to help me with my expenses? to be able to keep my angpow money? none of those. only for your permission to stay out slightly later than 12, to not interfere with my tuition, and again for a little understanding and a little trust. but how much of that do i get.
you try to be smart, telling me woah market rate is yadah yadah, the market nowadays not good for jc, if you keep doing what you're doing now your student is going to ditch you. how much do you know about the market. how much do you know about teaching. how much do you know about giving tuition. i have been doing what ive been doing, and sorry not to boast but im getting jobs from recommendations. so dont mind me, but couldnt you have just shut up? when my niece asked for tuition, i said i was tired and i didnt have time you pressured me to take her in. when i said im getting a double job, you told me yea now its worth it when previously you advised me to quit the student. i have never complained. but when, have you ever, for a single time, asked me if i'll get tired from my job and all the tuition and all the driving? all the money i cant say im being frugile now but i believe im putting reasonable thought into saving. all for what. all for not having to ask u for money during my uni life. what am i desperately trying to get a scholarship for. to not have the burden of a bank loan once i graduate so maybe if i work hard enough you can stop working. but where did all this consideration go. down the trash.
well friends. maybe i try to smile and laugh excessively when im out. because i never wanted to show any of the sadness or share any of the pain with anybody. i thought i could handle it. i thought if i manage my life well enough i could sort things out. i thought wrong.
this damn shit is never going to end.
and please, dont say things like i have misunderstood anything, or "maybe you can see it from this point of view"
or "let it go she's still ur mum".
I have never wanted to hold onto anything, the person who doesnt want to have anything to do with me, is her. |
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